There’s been a ton of articles written over the last few years that focus on reclaiming our attention from the relentless onslaught of marketing messages and other dipshittery. Some have even gone so far as to use tools on the device to set the screens to grayscale, or others have gone so far to switch to using a flip phone.

Look, I get it. I do. I’ve been very skeptical, though, of people who say “I just want something that makes calls,” mostly because I see people who want to talk on the phone as sociopaths. I love talking with my friends. I do not like interruptions. Sometimes they’re necessary, I get it. But when you stop to think that a century ago we gave every last human on earth the ability to interrupt us in the middle of tasks with a socially acceptable way to do so?

Hooboy, we done messed up.

So, when I saw Casey Johnston’s piece this morning on The DIY Dumbphone method, I was both put off and intrigued at the same time. My wife (who now squats 215 for sets thanks to Casey’s couch to barbell program) swears by Casey’s writing, though, so I gave it a read.

I was shocked at how much I agreed with what she said. Here’s some money quotes that I’ll share with you, and then you can read it yourself:

Do a factory reset on your phone. This will delete everything on it, so, be careful before doing this step. But it’s key, because you need to nuke all of your apps. It takes way, way too long to delete them all by hand, and you will balk so many times about “do I REALLY need to delete this one?” that you’ll give up. That’s by design. You need the big bomb.

…

Set your phone up again, but take pains not to turn on any notifications. Go into your settings and set new app installs to go to “App Library Only,” versus the home screen. Make you background something really boring, like the default globe image. No children, no pets, no heartwarming memories. This is your enemy, not your friend; don’t let it wear the skins of your loved ones.

…

Delete as many default apps as you see fit, and/or put them all into one folder. 

What I see in this advice is super clear: My phone is for me and me alone, but we’ve let it become for every growth-hacking dipshit product manager who is nudging utilization metrics to “encourage engagement”, and a bunch of other useless Silicon Valley bullshit metrics that will earn your C-suite millions after a buyout or golden parachute, but might get them a “meets expectations” on their next performance review, which means they might not get laid off.

These people have absolutely, positively wrecked these miraculous technological wonders, and it’s mostly Apple’s fault for setting no actual consequences for abusing notifications. Apple is fully complicit in the enshittification of our lives on this matter.

Over the last six months, since I broke up with my last job, I have gone on a relentless campaign of eliminating distractions from my devices. There is literally no way to make my phone make noise now. I haven’t gone the full Johnston on my device, but man am I sorely tempted to.

Very specifically, Johnston calls out the bullshit that has made our phones into instruments of servitude and annoyance in favor of these siren songs:

Never, under any circumstances, say yes to notifications–for every essential, useful notification from each app, you will get two to five additional, unwarranted, useless notifications offering you a free 5% off coupon for Arby’s if you log in now, or whatever. Notifications are junk, you cannot trust and do not need them.

So many times over the last six months, I have gotten an unwanted marketing notification from an app. Beginning in the Fall of 2024, receiving an marketing notification — offering a discount, or telling me about a new service, or just begging me to open the app — has resulted in me removing the app from my phone. I don’t want your coupons, they’re short term tricks, they’re never ever what I want out of the apps, and frankly you’re just sad and embarrassing if you think this will actually work.

Make better products, and people will use them more. Spam them with notifications, and you’re making everything worse for everyone else around you.

Thank you, Casey, for showing me the light. Now I’m off to nuke my phone.